Have you ever felt disgusted at yourself? Yes, I said it out loud, with no nicer terms. Yes, I used a word that should never ever be used to describe any body, let alone our own. But still, I was looking at myself in some pictures and one of the parts of my body that lately I felt more proud and happy about, looked awful in any pic. My legs looked huge instead of fit. And I knew I could use any possible excuse, like I have worked out and my legs are sore, the perspective of the pic makes it look like this, but the truth is that nothing really could take away the disgust I was feeling.
The same happened a few days later. I was at the gym, at the squatting rack, which happens to be in front of a mirror (very useful to understand your mistakes at squatting, very bad if you have self-confident and body-love issues like myself), looking at my legs. They seemed fine, but then my tummy was huge and I couldn’t help but be disgusted. My arms looked fat. My entire body was just a ball of fat.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I believe I am not the only one. And also because it’s very easy to focus solely on the bad aspects of our body. I couldn’t even notice that I was lifting more than 70% of the men in the room, and the heaviest lifter among the present women. I couldn’t even appreciate what my body was doing, how powerful those huge legs are, that those arms of mine were keeping the barbell right were it had to be, preventing me from injuring in the back, I was just concerned about how fat, and again, disgusted at myself I was.
I almost couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. And while according to the fat percentage in my body I am in the average, according to the trainer everything is okay and I weight how much I weight because I have about 31kg of muscles alone, and according to my boyfriend, friends and relatives I am truly beautiful just like I am, I was disgusted. The number on the scale was there, in my mind, like a reminder of all the things I hated of myself.
Once I got back in the locker room and took a shower, I looked at myself once again. My boyfriend says that you can see my obliques right after training. I couldn’t. My friends said that my skin is very clean these days, and I couldn’t see it. Anything positive that has been said about my body was invisibile to me at that moment.
A few days later, I took a couple of pictures of myself. Everyone told me I had slimmed down. I did not believe to them. But I know I want to see progress. I want to see my obliques. I want to see my legs getting stronger.
So I am not gonna quit. I might still feel disgusted, every now and then, but I might also feel proud of what my body has achieved and is achieving. Will keep you posted.
Have A Safe Journey!