Day 17 – I Am Afraid.

Between this week and next week, I am probably going to try my Back Squat PR. Remember on day 1, when I said I was going to work my ass off for the next weeks because I wanted a 100kg back squat? I literally worked my ass off, to get an ass.

But let’s get to the point. In the following days, we (meaning me, plus my boyfriend in the PT role and my coach) are supposed to decide whether it is worth it to get a shot at a PR already, or whether I should wait a couple more weeks. I said I wanted it by January 31st, but I’d rather get it by 15th February for instance, but be sure I get it right.

The thing is that there is not means for being certain about your RM. I mean, you already know I was a bit blocked with my back the day I tried it the first time. And last Saturday, when we were doing the first part of the training — 3 sets of 5 squats with very heavy weights, at the first one I was tired. I thought I was never going to lift more than 70kg. And don’t get me wrong, 70kg is fine, but I had to lift more in that session. I was supposed to lift more.

I took five minutes. Plain and simple. I told my boyfriend I needed a break. I went to the changing rooms, filled my water bottle and dissolved a Blueberry Bolero in it, took 3 pills of BCAA, washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I had come a long way in the past months. A lot of things have changed and I coped as I could, evidently not perfectly. BUT I coped with them. I could cope with that training. Those five minutes changed everything. By the time I got back to the rack, I felt empowered. I felt ready, enough to do the last set heavier than planned.

SO there is no way I can have the absolute certainty I can squat 100kg. I might be able to do it, but anytime soon? Maybe. Or maybe not. I am willing to accept whatever happens at me. If Saturday or next week we decide to schedule another attempt, I will take the day off before. I will eat healthier, more protein. I will stretch deeper. I will focus on it when I meditate. I will make my other priorities leave a little bit of space to let the goal go up. If we don’t schedule another attempt, I will train as usual. I will always try to eat healthier, to get enough protein. I will think about it one minute before bed, together with all the other things I think about when I’m going to bed. I will think about it when I prepare my shake in the morning. I will think about it when I see the table with everyone’s results in the box. I will continue to be committed, no matter what.

YES, I am afraid. YES, I will probably be disappointed if I don’t make it at the first attempt. YES, I will certainly be disappointed if I don’t make it by the end of January. BUT the goal is to achieve a 100kg back squat. The important part in the end is to achieve it, not when, right?

Have A Safe Journey!

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