That was a coincidence, I swear. But yes, on the 18th column of Show Me That Healthy Glow I am going to tell you about today’s run, 18 km.
Am I happy about the result? Am I disappointed? Hard to say what I feel.
I step out of the door at 10AM sharp, the first song of the playlist was Good Day by DNCE, and that was the only thing I asked for. To have a good running day. I had done it all, to make it possible. I had a brand new playlist, which was specifically created to adopt a stable pace, with some great tunes for what I expected to be the hard moments and some way less powerful to rest on the run. I had my favorite compressions socks on the night before, I stretched every day the previous days and before going out. I asked Marco to run with me, so that I was way less likely to give up (SHOUTOUT to HIM, who run 12KM with me and supported all the way through!).
So, as I was saying, there was nothing that could have gone wrong. I was well rested, the weather was fine and I was wearing my favorite bra (YES, for a woman this is an essential information). I started the watch and run 2KM, pretty chilly pace. Then, I met Marco, who was waiting for me (cause you know, I’m always late).
The third km was slow but good, and we started chatting and everything was fine. I started to believe those km could have passed by without any problem, I didn’t feel physically tired, nor mentally.
While around the 10KM, however, I started to feel some kind of pain in my left knee. That’s okay, Camilla, you can do it. It’s not like in London. Keep going. Then, a couple of kms later, I stepped on the ground pretty bad and almost crushed. Wait, I told Marco. I started to move my knee trying to figure out what was going on. It was exactly like in London, 2 years before. Unbelievable. After the exact same distance. It didn’t matter I had been spending more hours in the gym than any other time in my life, that I feel stronger every single day. Nothing mattered. My body was exactly the same.
It’s okay, let’s just walk 500m and see how it goes, Marco told me. But it wasn’t going to be okay. We ran on the way back for the last 2KM and then he stopped at his house, because we were running late.
There was only me then. There were exactly 14km, on my clock, and I had 6 more to go, according to the plan. There was no way, I was ever going to make. But you have to. Somehow, since I was about 3 km from home, and I know myself too well (let’s say, if I was only 3 km from home, there was no way I was ever going to go the other direction), I walked for one km in the other direction, to be sure I was going to run at least 18km. It seemed like a deep compromise.
Let’s be honest now. IT WAS BRUTAL. My legs were cold, my muscles sore. I could literally feel my heartbeat in the knee, and I had to run pretty fast, otherwise it would have been impossible for my knee to keep up, but I was tired and my heartbeat was damn high. I started feeling pain everywhere. In my back, in my legs, even in my arms. I just wanted to be home and cry. You have to reach home anyway. So, somehow, I dragged my tired body at home. I showered. I cried. I cooked a veggie burger and tried to take my sh*t back together. I texted a quick feedback to my trainer and told him I was going to send a proper feedback later on, but the truth is I didn’t feel ready to share my thought about this run.
But I had to. First of all, I spoke to the people who know my running habits better than myself, and they all agreed it wasn’t the same situation as London. You can’t expect to always have a good day, I was told. You have been running on the treadmill for about 2 weeks, it happens. You haven’t been running long distances for a while. Yes, that’s true. Every single one of them was right but WHY? None of their answers was satisfying enough. So I went back to the city center, I felt emotionally tired and I basically day-dreamt all day.
You gotta get yourself back together, I thought. So I bought myself a super tight pair of compression socks, I walked a few more miles in the centre and felt a little better.
But still: I know I haven’t run properly. I trained properly, I didn’t run properly. I still don’t know whether I will race in 4 weeks. I still don’t know whether I will change or keep my final goal.
Everything about the way I run/train has been put into question (in my mind) today. I am confused, tired and sore, but I will figure out what’s best for me. For now, I’m just happy I managed to be honest and share this run with you. It’s not about hiding our weaknesses to be strong, but it is to be strong enough to share our weaknesses, reflect on them, open up, until they become our new points of strength.
Have A Safe Journey!