Three months ago a girl walked into a gym. She entered, uncertain, insecure. But still she decided to do the first step… it was a brisk day of November and by now everything seems so distant. Still, the moment when I had to answer why I wanted to train, what was my goal, is clear in my mind. I can only imagine what they thought at first, when I answered with that. I guess You’re crazy, would be what I would have thought. Not that I’m trained today, but when I started, I was a complete mess.
Today (actually, for you yesterday) the same girl entered in that gym. The owners know me by name now, and so do the trainers. I spend at least one hour a day over there when I’m in Trento, I feel at ease now. But it took me a long time…
My journey to a happier me started in summer 2014, when I was in the worst moment of my life, a vicious circle I couldn’t go out of. I tried and tried, but in February 2015 I reached my highest weight. I do have a photo of the 15th of February 2015, but I feel incredibly uncomfortable to share it.After one year of Jessica’s magic I was able to run the Royal Parks Half Marathon with a decent time (October 2015). However, to make running an important part of my life I needed some more support… after about 7 months of running with Maria and going to water gym I thought I was in a pretty satisfying condition. However, after moving to Trento I hadn’t exercises for about 1 month. Till my father underlined the fact I hadn’t been running. It’s a part of yourself, he said. You have been running since you were 11, I get you might need a break and everything, but I see you are happier when you run. He played the card of me running hills sprints the night before graduation at high school and so I tried, once more. And maybe that time it was enough.
Between the photo on the left (11th November 2016) and the left one (15th February 2017) there are just over three months. Now, I could easily make a list of everything that has gone wrong in the past 96 days. Starting from the Christmas struffoli, that I might still have on my ass, the days I didn’t want to run and I ended up cycling, the days I ate too much, the days I had Gocciole for breakfast (like today), or a few days ago when I had to stop because I pushed too hard (you already know the story, don’t you?). Now, I could go on for hours and hours and hours… I know my life is still a mess, my lifestyle is still a nightmare and having slept for averagely 5 hours in the last month does not help. But still, I have some positive things I’d like to say.
Left pic versus right pic show the same girl, but left girls is about 10 pounds heavier (4,5kg), while right girl is way more in shape. I didn’t lose the weight everyone was expecting me to, even yesterday my trainer told me I should follow a more balanced diet if I want to lose weight easily because, Camilla, you are training so bad everyday and that would be a satisfaction for you, right? Yes, I wanted to say, it would be truly satisfying. I wanted to say that I do follow it most of the time… But I guess I would need to explain some other stuff of my life that for now they remain hidden.
Anyway, today I have seen the two pics and I started thinking about the moments and how I felt when I took them. In the left pic, I use my right arm to hide my hip, it’s not something you notice immediately, but I do remember it. And since I had a towel, I used it to hide my leg. Weird right? But I do remember it. I even remember that the training I did that day is easier than my warm-up now (oh, that routine that leaves you pain-free the day after). But mostly I remember the uncertainty of that day and the fear of failing again.
In the right pic, the girl only wears the same tee, just by chance. Now, I have to admit the girl on the right also felt insecure when it came to use weights. And when it comes to go in the weights room where the true gym-freaks train. But mostly today I understood that part of my insecurities where mental. Only mental.
I’m gonna keep it long and tell you about one more episode of today’s training. I don’t personally have a thing for squat, but I can pretty much do them, both at the wall and far from it, okay? So, I started and I couldn’t squat low. I don’t know why or how, I was blocked. Something prevented me from doing one exercise I knew I was able to do. So, at first, Christian put a box behind me as a security, but that even made the things worse. And I was like I truly have no idea what is happening, I literally lose my balance every time I squat. Then, he helped me squatting very very low just to prove it I could handle it, that my ankles weren’t suffering, that I was okay. And just like that, I restarted squatting right away… and the funny thing is that when I squatted with 40kg weight, I felt like it was even easier! Crazy, I know.
But still, today just like 3 months ago, I put myself in question. It could have been easier saying I can’t do it, I’m sorry. But I decided to keep going. Shall I say my life is now perfect? Far from it. Shall I say I train like an athlete? Far from it. I’m still the girl whose life is a complete mess, whose energy levels go from 100% to 0% in five seconds, who still is scared, who still fights with hidden demons, who still sometimes hate every second of training and every second of the run, but still runs. Because I feel better after. Even if the DOMs today, seriously, they are bad. Because I am working on myself and on my body, mind and soul, after all.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Have A Safe Journey!