Night Thoughts: 1

{ I normally share this on my Instagram profile right before not touching my phone till the morning after, so I guess switching to the blog was just as natural }


As I said before, I’m a bit overwhelmed with everything. I have the feeling I cannot deal with it, something that hasn’t happened in a long time.

Long story made short: I have to study a subject I don’t like, I have 3 diplomatic simulations to do, I have to run a blog and make it a business, I have to decided whether I should pursue this year’s biggest goal or not, the lessons calendar is not out yet and so are the Erasmus results. I have to train. I want to train, but my energy levels hit a low tonight.

I guess he was right when he said you should never start using protein powder nor post-workout things. Because yesterday I took a shake and today my body was doing pretty well (I had a double sesh and today it was PT day), but I didn’t want to take it again tonight because I’m not sure about tomorrow’s training cause the day is gonna be pretty busy. And that is also a thing that stresses me, the fact I have so many things to do and not enough time to do the ones I enjoy, like running, blogging, walking around for no reasons, reading, going to the gym, going out.

When the month began I told myself it was going to be around 7 weeks of hell, and I told myself I could manage that, after all I did an hell week and that was way worst than this. Wait, was it? Is it time to do one again? I hope not, I’m not sure I’m ready to go through that again.

But it’s day two and I feel anxious, like it was impossible to breath. When I got asked how I was doing I put on a facade and said I was doing okay, but the through I’m under pressure. For the first time since graduation last summer. And I am no longer sure whether I can deal with it.

During high school, the pressure was fuel to me, it was pure adrenaline that kept me going. Now it’s fear. Fear to put myself back in the game when I know there is no way I’m gonna make it through this hell. Fear to fail, once again. Fear to feel what I should feel. Fear.

So I asked myself: how important are these things to you? Are 7 weeks of your life worth them? Since they are, I WILL FIND A WAY to make everything fits. It’s all about time managing after all, isn’t it?

Have A Safe Journey!

Camilla

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